A ruminating prayer on the worry of infertility

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Read: Genesis 16.

Dearest Lord,

In Genesis 16:13 Hagar calls you “El-roi”, which means “the God who sees/the God of seeing”. Today, Lord, I need you to see me. Perhaps this is an arrogant, self-centred request – there are so many things to pray for. But you did follow a slave girl as she fled into the wilderness and made her a very great promise in patriarchal times: “I will greatly multiply your offspring.”

Lord, I read this account of Hagar and Sarai, and I realise that Sarai is the bitch in this particular narrative[1]. But, God help me, hers is the story I identify with. Hers is the story that contracts my heart to a small, painful point in my chest, one that burns with bitterness for this upstart Hagar. Sarai, with her barren womb – that I understand. The gloating of those who have had children and use it as a kind of yardstick to measure the worth of women with and a weapon to classify them – that I understand.

I need you to see this, Lord, inside my heart: this dread, this shame, this despair – these ashes. I’m hoping that you who are good and compassionate will not be able to gaze on these things and refuse me their antidote. Am I trying to bargain here? Perhaps – but is it really bargaining if I have no chips to put on the table, none but a very fractured and sometimes borderline blasphemous hope? Hope that you are not only the God of seeing, but of feeling?

I pray for your will to be done – but a small part of my heart prays that this one time, your will and mine will be the same.

Amen.


[1] I think Abram is the antagonist.

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One thought on “A ruminating prayer on the worry of infertility

  1. What a comfort to know in our pain that God DOES see and He never despises the sacrifice of a broken heart placed unreservedly on the altar of His sovereignty. I have a different burden but trust that the same God Who saw and comforted Hagar will see and comfort you and me. May He grant you the desire of your heart.

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